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So I've got Extra Innings and in preparation for this KTE assignment, I've made a point of attempting to watch some Cardinals games in the last couple of weeks. I said attempting 'cause, quite frankly, when it comes to watching the Cardinals, I feel a lot like Stacy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) dreading another summer at Perry's:
I can't.
Here is basically what I've come away with:
1) Kelly Stinnett is not only on the Cardinals, he catches surprisingly often.
2) I tuned into the Cardinals-A's game late on a Friday night (Extra Innings' plethora of West Coast telecasts is ideal for us nocturnal types) and found Andy Cavazos on the mound in the sixth inning, Cardinals trailing 8-3. With Jack Cust on first, Jason Kendall smokes a grounder up the middle, snagged by Cavazos. Cavazos turns and starts a 1-6-3 double play. Maybe that, one of the Fox Sports Midwest announcers suggested, will FINALLY get the Redbirds on the right track.
The A's scored six runs in the seventh and won 14-3.
It was just one game, but I recognized the pattern. I got a hint of it in 1970 and a full dose in 1987. It's the year after. A year after the St. Louis Cardinals could trip all over themselves down the stretch and come away smelling like champagne, they are having no such luck as we approach the midpoint of 2007. The Cardinals, who hold the distinction of having won a World Series with the worst regular-season in baseball history, are now en route to putting up one of the worst records ever for a defending world champion. They are 33-39, in third place in the N.L. Central, 8-1/2 games behind the Milwaukee Brewers. This month alone, they have assigned ringbearing Yadier Molina, Jim Edmonds, Braden Looper, David Eckstein and Tyler Johnson to the DL. Preston Wilson, Josh Kinney and Chris Carpenter were already there. Josh Hancock you know about. Their only starting pitcher from the 2006 postseason who is still in their rotation is a robust 0-9. Their perennial All-Star first baseman is trailing Prince Fielder in fan balloting. And Kelly Stinnett catches a goodly number of their games.
The St. Louis Cardinals are a mess. It couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys. (Except for the death of Hancock. I'm not THAT bitter.)
Friends, I hate the Cardinals. They are just shy of Yankee-Brave territory for me. At least Phillie land. Just thinking about them now makes me realize I have not so much unresolved feelings, because they are very sharp, but that I am still bristling with anger over the events that spanned October 12 to October 19, 2006.
F'rinstnace: I'm at Saturday night's game, top of the ninth, nothing-nothing. Entering this scenario is the Sandman, Billy Wagner. "Think good thoughts," my companion urges. You know what I thought? I thought "So Taguchi." That was Game Two, tie game, top of the ninth, Wagner. Wagner, as it happened, got out of the ninth Saturday. But the next time the right field bullpen door swings open and Metallica blasts and Billy Wagner is asked to preserve a ninth-inning tie, I will not think how shut down Oakland. I will think of Taguchi and the ninth inning and got away last October and Mota who helped it get there and, ultimately, Heilman pushing it to the ground with the never, never, NEVER-to-be forgotten let alone forgiven unless he cures a major disease and maybe not then even Yadier Fucking Fucking Fucking Molina upon whom I can't wish enough bad things despite my humanitarian and superstitious impulses to the contrary.
That was our fucking pennant and I can't have it back. It doesn't fucking work that way. Those motherfucking, whoreraping, no good, goddamn, corn-sucking, undeserving mediocrities with the fucking 83-78 record and that piece of shit .216-hitting catcher and bitch with the red landing strip on his chin and that asshole manager with the sunglasses and the DUI and that choking dick Looper won our fucking pennant. We didn't hit, but it is not us whom I hate. Carlos Beltran's bat remains glued to his left shoulder, but it is not him I blame. Willie Randolph picked the 60 minutes between 11 and midnight on October 19 to have not his finest hour, but Willie...ah, I like Willie. He gets points for not being Art Howe. Maybe we lost it as much as they won it, but I have to live with us. I don't have to live with them. Thus I cling to my notion that it is they who did wrong by outplaying us over seven games in eight nights. As Eric Cartman might say of a team of Kyles, I hate them so very, very much.
I have not gotten over the National League Championship Series. I will likely never get over the National League Championship Series. Maybe if we bathe in ticker tape in four months I'll put my grief behind me. Short of blotting out last year's failure with this year's success, I will lick this wound for quite a while. Hell, we won in '86 and I'm still pissed off about how '85 ended. And '87.
Those were the Cardinals, too, weren't they?
Beware Chris Duncan, who was just coming on last October. And Ryan Ludwick, brother of Eric Ludwick, traded for Bernard Gilkey a Koonce age ago (and later traded for some sap named McGwire who was just passed by Ken Griffey for lifetime homers...HA!) beat the Royals with a pinch homer the other night. The Cardinals probably took that as a sign that things were turning around, but it was the Royals, so read nothing into it. Mike Maroth, whose former team's '06 success (not unlike the Mets') hasn't completely evaporated, was just acquired by St. Louis. Detroit has loads of pitching. The Cardinals are forced to use Anthony Reyes. They WISH they had kept Jorge Sosa.
Oh the matchups:
Maroth-Sosa: We've never seen Maroth and he's a lefty. Infer what you will.
Wellemeyer-Perez: Gotta handle a 6.65 ERA righty.
Thompson-Glavine: Thompson was in the pen last fall. Like Wainwright and the injured pussy boy Looper, he's now a starter except not by choice. His ERA floats above 5.
Reyes-Hernandez: God help us if we're the team this douche gets off the schneid rag against.
We won't see the dreadful Kip Wells, at least he's not scheduled. And La Russa, apropos of nothing, is a world-calls, all-time, Hall of Fame fuck. Bats pitchers eighth. Takes his closer and makes him a starter. Valentine totally outmanaged him in 2000 (or the Mets totally outplayed them). If La Russa didn't do his bit for Animal Rescue, I'd really have it in for him.
Pujols, despite his drop in popularity (the voters and mine ever since he pissed on Glavine's excellent Game One start) is still highly awesome with the bat. Rolen, who had the good sense to feud with La Russa (who's a fuck) is quite ordinary offensively but will rob somebody of a few runs. Encarnacion always fucks over too. But watch out for Duncan and Ludwick.
Some good Cardinal blogs if you want a perspective that's not as vitriolic, at least not for the same reasons:
Viva El Birdos: http://vivaelbirdos.com/
Cardinals Diaspora: http://www.cardinalsdiaspora.com/
And That's A Winner!: http://andthatsawinner.wordpress.com/
La Russa Puff Piece in SI:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/baseball/mlb/05/29/la.russa0604/index.html
La Russa's Saving Grace:
http://www.arf.net/
Finally, some previous post-traumatic reflections (albeit with relatively little cursing) if you missed them the first time:
Nuts
http://faithandfear.blogharbor.com/blog/_archives/2006/12/25/2596733.html
The Unwanted Legend of Game Seven
http://faithandfear.blogharbor.com/blog/_archives/2007/2/27/2769706.html
I Have Sinned Against You, My Commandments
http://faithandfear.blogharbor.com/blog/_archives/2007/6/1/2990198.html
Your correspondent will be on hand Monday and Tuesday nights. Should you hear excessively pained baying, drop by and say hi.
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