May 01 2008 02:38 PM
| ] It's a classic pops as Anna remembers Guns N' Roses, November Rain Last week, we put out a call for big-haired classic videos, and were lucky enough to receive this as a suggestion; a true classic from the days when hair was big and ballads were bigger; when videos cost millions but were nine sodding minutes long. Therefore, as a reminder service for those who have not seen it in the 16 years since it was first released, and as a primer for those who have never seen it at all (is that possible?) we will dissect November Rain minute by mindblowing minute. Minute one: In a darkened bedroom, Axl Rose, lead singer of the enormous Guns N' Roses, is taking tablets.  Sleeping tablets, we imagine, but we don't know how many. We could therefore assume that everything following this is either a drug-induced dream or a memory of events that might have led up to a sleepless/possibly suicidal state. We cut to a large G N' R concert filled with screaming fans, and then, in contrast, to Axl playing the piano alone in a deserted chapel and, for some reason, a desert. Minute two: Axl tosses and turns in the large lonely bed. We cut to a cathedral, with cute flowergirls throwing rose petals and a statue of the crucified Christ that appears to be weeping blood. Down the aisle walks a beautiful bride who, though she has remembered her corset and train, seems to have succumbed to general memory failure when it came to the lower half of her dress.  Minute three: While the ceremony goes on, we see the happy couple in more relaxed circumstances, sitting in a bar, drinking, laughing, and smoking.  Which will kill you, let's not forget. Smoking, I mean. Laughing's alright. The woman in the video, we should note, is Axl Rose's girlfriend of the time, Stephanie Seymour, who was hot. Minute four: After a brief moment of comedy relief when Slash, cigarette hanging out of his mop of hair in that same way that always made you wonder why he didn't set himself on fire, loses the rings, then finds them - the ceremony is completed, and Axl kisses the bride.  Minute five: Is mainly taken up with Slash being a rock god. For those readers who are unfamiliar with this song - which is possibly a criminal act, may I add - you know when Regina Spektor sings "The solo's real long, but it's a pretty song" in On the Radio? This is the solo she means. A helicopter flies around Slash, giving us rockgodness from all angles, although possibly putting his cigarette out in the process, which is not a bad thing, as it will kill you. Smoking, I mean, not guitar solos. Although if any guitar solo could kill, it would be this one. You can tell Slash is a rock god because his stance is so wide he is almost doing the splits.  Minute six: With the wedding ceremony over, the bride and groom leave the church. The bride looks inexplicably sad. Slash is still playing his solo, legs akimbo. These two facts may or may not be connected. Elsewhere, apparently in the wild west, Axl Rose walks past a shop selling "guns", looking moody.  As there is no shop next door selling "Nroses", we can safely assume this to be ominous foreshadowing of events to come. Remember this bit, we might have a quiz later. Minute seven already! And we are at the reception, which looks like a marvellous bash. The bride and groom cut the cake with what looks a bit like a spatula, Axl feeding his bride from the business end - the "spatul", I think it's called - while they are watched by one of the midget waiters that the band have hired in especially to make Axl feel not quite as tiny next to his new supermodel wife.  Everyone dances, drinks, and has a jolly good time. Suddenly: disaster! Though the outside reception was looking all lovely and sunny, out of nowhere, and spotted first by Slash and one of the midgets, it starts to rain.  Though it would appear to be just normal rain, people react as if it were the purest hydrochloric acid: they run, they scream, and things are knocked over (ominously) ...  ... and, in The Best Moment In The Entire Video (officially. Well I say so), someone tries to escape the sudden shower by - I can barely say it out loud, it's so great - leaping face forward through the cake.  I KNOW! How ace is THAT?! We have no time to enjoy it, however, as, coming into minute eight we find ourselves at a funeral. It is the bride!  She's dead! Sweet child o' mine, was it the rain that did it? Was she, in fact, soluble? Apparently not. The fact that there is a mirror in the coffin, we learn, suggests that it was a terrible, violent death, as this is what they do for dead people when they are missing half a face but still want to have an open casket. Euw. It's very sad. The same cathedral that witnessed happy nuptials now resonates with weeping rock icons. Including, weirdly, John Denver.  Oh, no, that's Axl Rose. He's very sad. The action moves to the graveside, this time without Axl (apparently due to the fact that he didn't show up for the video shoot that day, rather than any plot-driven reason) but we see him later on. In the ninth minute, in a triumph of symbolism, the bride throws her bouquet in bright sunlight, and as it passes through the air, the white roses turn pink, then red, then land on her grave in the dark and the rain.  This is mightily cool. And that is it. Axl has a bit of a cry, the song performance in the theatre, that we haven't mentioned much because it is comparatively dull, ends and then the video does too. We all burst into spontaneous applause. Although the video - still, apparently, the 13th most expensive ever made, and head and shoulders above most offerings in terms of cinematography - is ostensibly based on a short story by Del James called Without You, it is really just a retelling of that age-old tale: boy meets girl; boy marries girl; reception gets rained on; girl gets shot in the face. But my GOD it's bombastic. They just don't make 'em like this any more. But then, they don't really make rock ballads any more. Perhaps when new album Chinese Democracy finally surfaces (it's been 15 years in the making so far. Dr Pepper have promised a free drink to every single person in the USA if it actually gets released this year; I will match that with a can of Irn Bru for everyone in this office) those times will come again. But I doubt it. |
http://music.guardian.co.uk/pickardofthepops/page/0,,2277192,00.html
Oh, at that point, I'd tag Adler as the worst offender.