Jun 30 2008 12:44 PM
Fuck these guys. Really. At the start of the year, I volunteered to KTE these assholes partially because they were a group of interesting stories and retreads in transition, but also because I anticipated them sucking and wanted to pile on. Naturally, they’ve got the second best record in the NL (47-36), lead the Wild Card chase, and are only 2.5 games behind the media darling Cubs. How have they managed it? The hell if I know. Having Albert Pujols helps a lot, and the rest of it seems to just be the collaborative effort of a bunch of guys either playing over their heads or just being a lot better than we all thought they were. The specifics:
Approximate Lineup
LF Skip Schumaker-
If the Cards were winning with Jared Michael Schumaker hitting leadoff and playing left, I wouldn’t really mind. But Skip Schumaker. Seriously? Come on, Skip, you’re a 28 year old man. That’s almost as bad as being called Chipper for your entire life. Ugh.
Coming into the year, Schumaker was an organizational player with unimpressive cups o’ coffee in ’05 and ’06 and a superficially impressive 177 at-bats last season which were propped up by an unsustainable .333 batting average. But this year, almost inexplicably, he’s turned into a legit ballplayer. His average hovers at the .300 mark, but without being inflated by an exorbitant BABIP. He’s suddenly pulled enough plate discipline out of his ass to be on-basing in the .360s, something he only did once over the course of a full season professionally, as a 24 year old in AA. Doesn’t have much pop, but has enough to be a threat. Plays better defense than Chris Duncan. Has enough speed to steal a few bags, but not enough to make him think he’s a basestealer. (6-for-6 on the year). Skip Schumaker is a pretty good representative for his team, actually. I dislike him for entirely petty and borderline nonsensical reasons, despite him succeeding in the sort of atypical, unexpected manner that I love to see in baseball.
2B/SS Aaron Miles-
You know it’s a special season when Aaron Miles is in your lineup and is not a giant black hole of suck. Miles has a career OPS+ of 75. He’s scrappy and white and plays the infield but is thankfully less insufferable than David Eckstein. When you Google Image search his name, the breakdown of the first 10 results is: 6 pictures of a former NBA stiff of the same name, 3 of himself, and 1 of Mark McGwire being straddled by his barely-clothed wife. 
His slash stats are .321/.360/.374, which is being held up by a .347 BABIP that sits 34 points higher than his career norm.
1B Albert Pujols-
Do I really need to go into much detail here? Albert Pujols is great at choosing which baseballs to hit, and then hitting them long distances. One day he decided he wanted play good defense at first base, so he started playing great defense at first base. He eats coal and shits diamonds. He recently strained his calf, returned from the injury a week earlier than expected, and has gone 7-for-14 since then with a homer. He almost ruined Brad Lidge’s life in 2005. Pissed all of us off by saying Tom Glavine’s 7-shutout inning performance in Game 1 of the 2006 NLCS “wasn’t good.” Makes me wonder what he’d call Glavine’s game against the Marlins last year.
CF Rick Ankiel-
I’m not going to rehash his story here, we all know it already. Incredibly there’s no footage of his meltdown during the 2000 playoffs on YouTube; I figured there’d be a bigger market online for videos of a young man’s psyche crumbling into a fine powder. There is, however, video of what that arm is doing nowadays.
http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200805072655396
Note to Mets: don’t run on Rick.
At the plate, Ankiel is a wildly streaky hitter with outstanding power, slowly improving discipline, and enough holes in his swing to generate substantial wind power. Hitting .258/.330/.508 with 15 HR and 16 2B. Now-former Deadspin editor Will Leitch may be hiding in his garbage.
RF Ryan Ludwick-
Another way to have a surprisingly good season: Find a former second round draft pick whose career plummeted into oblivion after a 2002 hip fracture, reaching a nadir when he was traded for Shane Spencer in 2003 and spent the next 4 years as a AAAA-type in the Cleveland and Detroit organizations who always hit well, but never well enough to force the hand. Sign him as a free agent during Spring Training 2007, watch him get off to a torrid start in AAA, and bring him up when injuries create holes. Enjoy a satisfying season from him, make him a first time starter the next year at age 29, and sit back while he goes absolutely apeshit on the National League and obliterates even the most generous of projections, to the tune of .285/.362/.574 with 16 HR and 56 RBI at the halfway point of the season. Forms an Outfield of Misfit Boys with Schumaker and Ankiel, all guys who are getting their shots as starters in their late 20s and are helping what should be a transitioning team into a serious contender.
3B Troy Glaus-
Glaus is a veteran Three-True-Outcomes type, with light tower power and truckloads of walks and strikeouts. Misses a lot of time either because of injuries or from being rested to prevent injuries, but when he’s on the field you know exactly what you’re getting from him. Was acquired in the offseason for Scott Rolen, who needed to be sent out of town before he could snap and attempt to strangle Tony La Russa. This is kind of a shame, actually. Batting .261/.361/.444 with 11 HR and 49 RBI.
C Yadier Molina-
Remember when this fuckhead of a light hitting catcher kicked us all in the collective nads and turned Aaron Heilman into a punching bag for the jackass portion of the Mets fan base? [url=http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200806152937517]Had his egg scrambled[/url] in a collision earlier in the season and made me feel like a bad person for my initial reaction to seeing the stretcher come out. Since his 2006 coming out party as the 23 year old catcher with the OPS+ of 53 who took a giant steaming crap on our very souls, he’s actually become a pretty decent hitter (for a catcher, anyway) and an altogether valuable player when his defense is factored in. 295/.350/.385, 4 HR, 26 RBI, only 12 strikeouts.
2B/SS Some Light Hitting Scrappy Fan Favorite Asshole
Position previously occupied by Cesar Izturis, who sucks big hairy moose cock and probably has too much skin pigment to be considered “scrappy.” He’s on the DL with a hamstring issue. Right now there’s been a rotation of Miles, former David Eckstein Wondertwin Adam Kennedy, and some guy named Brendan Ryan who I’ve never heard of and who may as well be Bo Hart for all I care. Kennedy is hitting .264/.318/.326, Ryan is hitting .285/.331/.338, and both would probably have decent power if they were allowed to use aluminum bats.
Bench Players of Note
Jason LaRue is still playing baseball professionally, and really isn’t doing all that bad, in the backup catcher sense of the term. Chris Duncan is apparently not as good of a hitter as I remember him being. He had 43 homers over the last two seasons, playing through injuries. He’s a lefty with power and not much else, and has been rendered sort of redundant by Ankiel, who has the benefit of not playing the outfield like a tree stump. His dad is the team’s pitching coach and his brother is a Yankee with a stupid looking face.
I have some business to attend to for a few hours. I’ll be back later with Know The Cardinals 2: Pitching Boogaloo.