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How To Explain Suicide Of A Kid To Kids

themetfairy Jul 17 2008 06:08 PM

Yesterday I learned that a 16-year-old in my son's high school had passed away. I know the boy's parents casually, and his older sister used to babysit for us. I mentioned the death to my sons - neither of them remembered the boy, so we didn't discuss it all that much. This evening, though, I called a neighbor of mine, and I learned that this wasn't just a death. The kid shot himself in the head. I'm waiting for my husband to get home to figure out the best way to handle this. Part of me would just like to forget about it, since the boys don't remember him. On the other hand, I figure the odds are pretty high that at some point kids are going to start talking about this, so it would probably be better for them to hear the news from me. But how does one discuss this kind of thing? It's horrible and inexplicable - how does one broach this kind of news? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

cooby Jul 17 2008 06:38 PM

Don't forget about it. Don't ever forget about it. But don't bring it up if the kids don't know him. They're big kids, they will handle it if they hear about it.

Benjamin Grimm Jul 17 2008 06:40 PM

Jeez. I wish I had an answer for this one. I think you have to trust your instincts; you know your kids better than I do (certainly!) and you pretty much have to tailor your message to your kids' personalities and their apprehensions. One suggestion I can make: Go slowly and let their reactions tell you how you should proceed. Allow them to ask as many questions as they like, and answer as honestly as you can. I guess that's how I'd do it.

themetfairy Jul 17 2008 06:40 PM

I'm weighing the odds of them hearing about it. I know that one of their friends was friendly with this kid, so I'm concerned that the odds are pretty high that they're going to hear about it. And thanks BG. Right now I'm waiting for D-Dad to get home so I can see what he thinks about it. I think he's going to remember the kid, so that might influence how he thinks we should handle it.

cooby Jul 17 2008 06:43 PM

I'd say give that friend a lot of support. If you do that, you will be supporting your own kids as well. The worst part about successful suicides is that you never get the question "why?" answered.

themetfairy Jul 17 2008 07:00 PM

True. And thanks guys. If nothing else, talking about it here is helping me to organize my own thoughts about it.

TheOldMole Jul 17 2008 07:49 PM

I'm with Grimm. Give the boys plenty of space to talk to you about it. You'll get a much better sense of how to proceed by listening to them.

themetfairy Jul 17 2008 07:52 PM

Thanks mole. I basically followed their lead yesterday when I first told them that I learned the boy had died. They didn't want to discuss it, and I didn't push.

AG/DC Jul 17 2008 07:57 PM

We had a suicide across the street. Only black family in the neighborhood. Terry must've been 17. I was 12. His brother Orrin was a year older than me, but in my class. Neither were particularly nice to me, though Orrin was kinder for the next few years after, until he became a bigger dick when he started smoking weed. My dad felt really vulnerable though, like he didn't realize kids could do that to their parents. Even though I was 12, he felt a need to sit me down and ask me if I ever had thoughts. I kind of felt bad for him. I told him no, but I wish I told him that, even though I cherished life, I was pretty miserable in the one I had. I really appreciated him opening that door, and I wish I used it more. So I guess all I can say, is that you find an ongoing balanced way to remind your kids the door is open when they need to talk, but not force them to. Hard job.